Take a close look at the behavior of any successful pack leader, and you can’t help seeing it mirrored in the behavior of successful people from all walks of life. It’s probably not a coincidence then that as I’ve practiced what I’ve preached to dog owners over the years, I’ve seen improvements in other areas of my life, too. Here are the pack-leading tactics that have helped me most— not just with my dogs but as a husband, a father, and a man.
1) PROJECT CALM, EVEN WHEN YOU’RE NOT!
Scientists now know that animals aren’t in tune just with other animals—they have an uncanny ability to read the energy of the earth as well. We’ve all heard anecdotes about a dog who predicts earthquakes, a cat who “smells” an impending tornado, or a captive elephant who breaks through his fence and heads for higher ground hours before his human companions learn that a tsunami is headed straight for the village they all inhabit.
One of the most important things to remember is that all the animals around you—especially the ones with whom you share your home—are reading and interpreting your energy whenever they’re in your presence. When you talk to them, you can use any combination of words that pop into your head, but the energy you’re projecting cannot and does not lie. You can scream and shriek till your face is blue when your dog jumps onto your new coffee table, but be aware that, in losing your cool, you’re also losing your dog’s respect.
Because dogs often perceive loud vocalizing by excited, overly emotional humans as a sign of instability, your dog will either be frightened by your tantrum or, worse, completely un-affected by it. What he won’t do is respond the way you want him to. Humans respond to unstable leaders; dogs do not. With your dog, you want to project what I call calm-assertive energy at all times—in other words, that you are relaxed but always confident that you are in control.
Calm-assertive personalities are the leaders in the animal world. (Think about the way the mother of a litter of newborn pups conducts herself.) And though they are few and far between in the human kingdom, they’re always easy to spot. They’re the ones who are powerful, confident, inspiring, and successful. Oprah Winfrey—one of my role models—exudes calm-assertive energy in spades. She is consistently relaxed, curious, and even-tempered, but she is also always undeniably in charge. Her personal magnetism is impossible to deny, and it has made her not only one of the world’s most powerful women but also one of the richest.
2)REDIRECT NEGATIVE ENERGY
Many of us are not naturally calm--assertive types, at least not when being that way would serve us best. The minute a problem arises, we become panicky, excited, defensive, or aggressiveand often take the subtlest slights—even the unintended kind—personally. The frenetic, uncertain energy we project under those circumstances can’t be disguised—and it doesn’t help us.
The good news, though, is that we can learn to focus our emotions in new ways and harness the power of the good energy that comes from doing so. -Biofeedback, meditation, yoga, and other relaxation techniques are excellent for controlling the energy you project. Psychologists call this learning to manage your emotions. If you’re overly emotional in general, it’s especially important to look into these techniques. Developing a calm--assertive mindset and learning to project the resulting energy won’t just affect the way your dogs perceive you. It will have a positive impact on your mental health and, consequently, on your relationships with the humans in your life as well.
When my clients feel they can’t muster the right energy to deal with their dogs effectively, I tell them to use their imaginations and try visualizing themselves in situations where they’re behaving like the leaders I know they can be. And if visualization doesn’t do the trick, there are a number of philosophical self-help books that have helped me tremendously. A few authors I strongly recommend are Dr. Wayne Dyer, Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, and Dr. Phil McGraw.
3)MAKE EVERYONE FEEL INCLUDED
I often hear people complain that their adolescent dogs “no longer listen” to them—that the dogs are quite literally zooming past them. When Junior, my young pit bull, entered that distracted phase, I managed his growing intensity and craving for exploration by introducing him to as many new situations and environments as possible. Every time I took him to a new place, it gave me a chance to show that I was in control, which kept him both challenged and submissive at once. While a young dog can easily feel like the master of his home domain, a new setting gets him back into an open, learning mode.
4)FACE CHALLENGES HEAD ON
I’m always saddened when a dog -owner throws in the towel because a previously well-behaved puppy starts to grow and as a result starts pushing the behavioral envelope. Because they had a good puppy—and any quirks were written off as “baby stuff he’ll soon outgrow”—owners often become complacent. Suddenly, though, they find themselves totally unprepared for the challenges of raising an adolescent dog, which are somewhat comparable to dealing with a teenage boy. Yet between eight months and two years of age, dogs go through a sort of teenage rebel phase and are often confined to the backyard or, worse, returned to a shelter. As a preventive measure, I always urge my clients to lay down a -solid foundation of rules, boundaries, and limitations in puppyhood and never waver from those basic guidelines, no matter how big or defiant their adolescent dogs become.
5)APPRECIATE OTHER PERSPECTIVES
Dogs experience the world through scent, sight, and then sound—in that specific order. It’s vital to remember that fact if we want to communicate correctly with them. The process never changes: nose, eyes, ears. Repeat the words to yourself until acting with them in mind becomes second nature.
A guide to canine etiquette would demand that when meeting a dog for the first time you avoid eye contact, exude calm energy, and allow him to simply sniff you. Even crotch-sniffing shouldn’t set off any alarms; it’s how dogs greet each other all the time. And with good reason: Thanks to their highly developed olfactory sense—millions of times sharper than ours—sniffing is simply an effective way of gathering information: age, gender, what the other dog had for lunch. Remember, though, that when a dog sniffs you, he’s also analyzing the type of energy you exude.
6)DON’T SQUANDER EMOTION
That same sniffing dog I just mentioned may well decide you’re not that interesting and simply wander off in search of a more intriguing scent. If, on the other hand, a dog has decided to initiate contact with you—by nuzzling or rubbing up against you—only then should you become affectionate with her. And save the eye contact for when you know each other better—it’s sort of like not going too far on a first date.
And that thing you’re usually tempted to do when you encounter a cute little puppy? Ooohing and aaahing in a high-pitched voice you’d normally reserve for a baby? Don’t. Not only are you introducing yourself to the dog through sound rather than scent, but you’re displaying a kind of excited energy that’s exactly the opposite of calm-assertive. Let him thoroughly sniff you first, and then decide on your next move.
7) ENCOURAGE POTENTIAL
The first mistake so many of my clients make in relating to their dogs is assuming the dogs’ minds work in exactly the same way that their minds work. But the truth is that humanizing a dog is sort of comparable to being a man and trying to relate to a woman as though she were another man, or vice versa. Our brains work differently, and if those differences aren’t taken into account, the result is an unfulfilling and often troubled relationship.
By humanizing our dogs, we actually create a disconnect for them. We may love them the way we love a human, but we’re never going to achieve deep communication with them and love them for who and what they -really are.
Some of my clients are crushed when I tell them that in order to solve their dogs’ problems they have to start relating to them in a way that’s completely different from how they’ve related to them in the past. But there’s no reason to become disheartened. In relating to her in a way that she understands, you are giving your dog an opportunity to reach her true potential and, in doing so, offering another living creature the highest form of respect.
You’re letting that creature become exactly who she is meant to be.